


Desolation

by Daff1994



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Anal Sex, Anorexia, Anxiety, Bottom Harry, Bulimia, Comedy, Cutting, Dark Comedy, Depressed Louis, Depression, Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified, Eating Disorders, Gay Male Character, Gay Sex, Inner Dialogue, M/M, Male Homosexuality, Oral Sex, Rough Sex, Scars, Sex, Suicidal Thoughts, Top Louis, Violence
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-04-15
Updated: 2014-09-11
Packaged: 2018-01-19 11:29:11
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 5
Words: 3,679
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1467835
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Daff1994/pseuds/Daff1994
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Louis lives in a web of lies to hide his self mutilation and eating disorder, but when the new neighbor, Harry, starts to unravel Louis' web, how will he handle being forced to lean on only Harry for support. </p><p> </p><p>***Listen right now! This is a triggering story. Call me all the names you want but this is some real stuff. I am actually loosely basing Louis off myself. I won't write out long descriptions of the character's self-harm scenes but I will talk about them. Don't read now if this will bother you. Please.</p><p>Louis' character will speak a lot in his mind and it will often be rushed and rambling thoughts. This is how my mind is honestly so I am just making it realistic. If it makes it hard to read or understand I apologize. Thank you.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Why do they even believe my lies anymore? Maybe it’s just easier for them to than to accept the truth. We all have our ways of handling things. They choose to ignore and I choose to take advantage of that and keep all my secrets hidden behind the string of lies I web together every day. Yes, it’s a hot day in August and I’m cold enough that I have to wear long sleeves and sweats. I am fine. No, I already ate. How many lies do I need to tell until someone asks me to tell the truth?

 

“Louis! You fat ass get over here,” Liam hollered at me, his choice of words forcing yet another lie to spill from my mouth. 

“I’m not fat, you cock sucker,” I joke as I walk up to him and the other boys who are laughing along. Of course, I know I am fat, I mean the rest of his pals are all fit and good-looking. Zayn is over 6 foot tall and built like an Adonis; muscles making his clothes sit a bit too tightly. Niall is only a bit taller than me but his bleached blonde hair, rock-hard abs and accent are enough to charm the pants off of anyone and everyone. That just leaves Liam, who went from this shaggy haired, stick-thin pre-pubescent into this tall, muscular, ladies’ man of an adult. Then there is me. Liam’s childhood friend who carries a locked journal around and always wears baggy clothes. He is really only still my friend because we are still neighbors. 

“Ey! Come shoot some baskets with us Lou. It’ll be loads of fun,” Liam slaps me on the back. What lie to say now? Should I say I am sick? No, he will no doubt show up at my house later to check on me if I say that. Hmmm…

“Can’t. Gotta take Lottie to the mall for new school clothes, next time for sure man,” but Liam had heard that loads of times. So he just shrugged it off and walked off with his friends, every day was like this. I walked home, sweat slicking my hair to my head but I refused to remove any layers in an effort to cool myself off. Heat stroke was a better alternative than showing everyone the blade-kissed arms or thighs that lay beneath the cloth. 

I walked into the house and past my sisters and mother up to my room. Their laughs and smiles have faded recently and I can’t help but wonder if it’s because of me. I know they worry but even they are too chicken to accept my excuses are lies. The younger girls used to actually giggle and run around the house but now I hear none of that. Or Maybe I just choose to ignore it and my mind makes up this quiet, lonely desolation for me to live in instead. Either way the atmosphere in this house isn’t the same. The once bright and brilliant colors in my home and life are now drab and dull. 

“Oi! Mum watch it,” an unfamiliar voice came in on the wind through the window, a charming laugh immediately following. Great, the new neighbors are here and since that sounded like a guy, my own mother will be trying, yet again, to force me into a friendship. The last two guys she set me up on play dates with were drug addicts so this oughta be good, I mean he is obviously British or a huge douche who likes to impersonate accents, but at least he may have some decent culture to him.

“Louis! Let’s meet the new neighbors. They have a boy about your age and I think he’s gay too,” right on cue as usual but really mom? You can’t just announce you think someone’s gay! 

“Why would you think that mom?” I say as I pull on my baggiest hoodie and meet my family by the door. “Ya know, some day one of our new neighbors will be allergic to nuts and your peanut butter cookie ‘welcome to the neighborhood’ platter will send them to the hospital or to the morgue.” She rolled her eyes and my sister’s giggled. Okay so they do laugh. Guess I do just live in the barren land of my mind.

“He just looks quite handsome and put together dear,” my mother says as we walk as a family to ambush the poor people, “plus, he’s wearing a sweatshirt that says so Louis. Now be polite and try to act like you aren’t going to sacrifice him to Satan.” Well my mother did know me. I actually did that a few years ago. Told the new guy and his sister that we sacrifice virgins ever 10 years on the anniversary of some bullshit date I made up. Turns out the guy was a virgin and cried every time I was near him. Fucking ace joke. I stood behind my sisters as my mom ranted on about the area with the mother of the other family but the guy was nowhere in sight so I wandered off secretly and invited myself inside their house, much bigger than ours and much newer too. The furniture was either antique or brand new and expensive. I sat in a large soft arm chair and spread out across it. Nice taste I must admit, hell I’d be friends with this kid just to indulge on his lifestyle.

“You enjoying yourself mate?” I sit up quickly, literally rolling off the chair. The boy’s hand reaches for mine and he helps me up. Dear Jesus. He was gorgeous. Great, that was going to make this ignoring him thing a lot harder. His hair was this perfect mess, curly and rose tall above any normal hair should stand. His eyes were a pleasant green and his lips looked ready for sexual favors and oh, he really is wearing a sweatshirt that says he’s gay. How pathetic? ‘Sorry ladies, I’m gay’ what a royal douche, but at least his jeans are alright, a bit snug. Looks like he might be a bottom, He stands awful submissively. Can Submissives be tops? I only noticed I had been staring and rambling in my head for far too long in silence when he cleared his throat and spoke again. “I said are you enjoying yourself? It’s not polite to ignore someone, especially when you’ve invited yourself in.”

“You have nice stuff,” I smile. Really Louis? That’s all you can fucking say. No ‘nice sweatshirt’ or anything? Wow Tommo you’re lacking.

“You have a nice smile,” he says as he smiles as well, “I’m Harry and if you’re really that impolite, this would be where you’d introduce yourself as well.” I freeze. Is he hitting on me? I’m not even really out of the closet, do I smell gay or something? What does gay smell like? Like hair gel and American Eagle probably. Man, I really stereotype gays. That’s sad… Oh god Louis pull yourself together he is staring!

“I am Louis. Uh were you just hitting on me?” Lovely, now if he was, he will probably regret hitting on an idiot like me. Stupid Louis! 

“I only hit on people I like Louis, not every guy just because I’m gay. You should know,” he said as he began to leave the room, “I have to finish unpacking but maybe I’ll see you in passing soon.” 

“What is wrong with me?” I whispered and smacked myself in the forehead. I stumbled over my feet as I headed toward the door. Why am I acting like this? He’s just a boy. I couldn’t even think of some snarky comment to throw back at him and I had a couple opportunities, stupid penis thinking for me. At least I didn’t get an… wait, I have semi. Awesome. Not only did I act like a dumbass but I was also sporting a halfer in front of him. What if he thinks I’m small? I should tell him I’m bigger when I’m fully erect. Yeah, never mind someone in his family would probably hear me.

“Oh and Louis,” Harry softly called from the hall, “I like you Louis.” I felt my pants tighten a bit again.

“Down boy,” I mouthed as I pulled my hoodie down to hide my embarrassing situation.


	2. Chapter 2

The clink of a pebble being thrown against my window wakes me from what was definitely some sort of nightmare. I'm drenched in sweat and my eyes are damp as I roll up onto my feet. 12:14am reads the clock by my bed, who the hell is here at this time? Probably Lottie's boyfriend. 

"Lottie's room is over there," I call down as I open my window and point towards Lottie's room.

"Louis?" the voice calls from below. Fuck, it's the British hottie. Harry? I think.

"Yeah? Harry is that you? What are you doing?" I call down, only just realizing I'm quite loud and I don't want to wake anyone, "Wait, don't answer, I'm coming down." I quickly shut the window and throw a long sleeve shirt over my bare torso and tie my pajama pants tight. No boners right now please, the fabric of my pants are very thin. 

"Harry?" I whisper as I come through the front door, a rustling coming from beside me.

"Are you really wearing that? Go put on some proper clothes. We're going out to the bar." Who did he think he was? You can't just force someone you barely know to go out late at night with you. I'm not going. I swear. 

"Okay are we leaving now?" Dammit penis, stop it. I didn't want to go. I'm picturing being out at a bar all drunk and naughty with him when suddenly, in reality, his enormous hand finds my hip and I realize I must look strange just zoned off. 

"Yes now go. Meet you right here," he winks, at least I think. Maybe it's just the way the street light flickered on his face. He wouldn't like such a fat fuck. I run inside, trying to stay quiet as I practically tear apart my closet to find an outfit. I finally set on tight black jeans, they make my ass look magnificent, and a white T-shirt, that clings tight to my stomach showing the little pudge I have, under my leather jacket. 

When I come back outside, Harry is nowhere to be seen and my heart drops. Was it all a joke? My imagination? I quickly sink to my knees and hide my face in my hands. 

"Lou what are you doing?" Great, Liam is here and I'm about to cry. Pull it together Tommo. I quickly stand up and he is walking toward me with about 5 others, no doubt that's Zayn beside him but it's too dark to see the others. 

"You look much better," Harry's voice sounds from directly behind Liam. Oh god, all of these people are going to the bar and I can barely control my hormones around Harry. I'm so screwed tonight. Actually no, I WISH I was screwed tonight. I'd gladly drop my pants and have the Brit tear my ass but not in front of these jerks. Fuck. Well here we go.


	3. Chapter 3

Too many shots already. My head is spinning. We had to all drink fast because by the time we showed up to the bar it was already near closing. I don't understand the logic in showing up only to drink for an hour. That's not really fun. 

"Louis. Lou. Lou Lou," Harry giggles beside me before leaning in to whisper in my ear, "My family isn't home. They had to go get the rest of our stuff. Come sleep with me!" He screams the last part but I'm not even phased because he just asked me over. 

"Guys!" Liam yells, very obviously wasted as he can barely stand, "bar's gonna close soon. We should go fucking skinny dipping!" Oh god. I don't want to go. I'm too gross to be naked. 

"What are you gay?" I let slip past my lips, trying to make it sound like a joke, "Want to get all of us naked and drunk. Gay." I cringe and Harry shakes his head at me, clearly bothered. I mouth sorry but he's already on his feet, unstable and leaving. I stand up and follow Harry out ignoring Zayn teasing Liam about my gay comment.

"Please wait up, we are both clearly drunk and I can't run. Please wait!" I yell as I half jog, the lights blurring around me, as I try to catch up to Harry, who's stride is far longer than mine. He finally stops just outside our houses, which is luckily only a couple blocks from the bar. 

"You're a dick Louis," he slurs and I can't tell if it's from the booze or the obvious crying he's been doing. "I had to move here because everyone joked about being gay and made me feel bullied. I never thought a fellow gay guy would joke. Were you trying to impress Liam? He knows I'm gay, they all fucking do and they are cool with it so why are you such a douche? Do you like him?"

"No!" I scream immediately, scaring a dog down the block causing him to bark. "I like you," my eyes widen, my head drops and I feel sick. I don't even know this kid. He's gonna be so disturbed that someone as ugly as me likes him. God I'm dumb. Fuck my life. Suddenly, I notice Harry is taking my face in his hands and his lips lean into mine. 

This can only be explained as fireworks. It's so good my vision is going and my knees are weak. I feel like I'm gonna faint. Oh wait... I really am. Fuck. I haven't eaten in four days. And that's my last thought before my body melts onto the sidewalk and Harry's scared scream disappears into utter silence.


	4. Chapter 4

"Louis!" I hear Harry cry out as I come to. I can't move my body yet but I know I am not on the cold concrete anymore. My eyes open slowly, heavy with the fatigue of passing out. 

"Mr. Tomlinson?" A voice I don't recognize comes from a figure in the bright room I'm starting to focus on. Am I in a hospital? How long was I out?

"Yeah?" My voice is raspy and I can slightly taste the aftermath of stomach acid and alcohol. That means Harry probably saw me throw up. Gross. "Where am I? What happened? How long have I been out?" I spew without giving a chance for anyone to answer. 

"You've been out for about an hour we guess. Your friend called for the ambulance immediately and they brought you here. We are still running tests but you are definitely dehydrated and we will get you the fluid you need," the nurse points to the bag of fluid that is dripping into my arm via IV. I glance at the site of where it is entering my arm and notice my cuts in the multiple stages of healing are very visible. Harry most definitely has seen them. Do I dare meet his gaze? I choose against it and twiddle my thumbs. 

"You scared me," Harry finally chokes out, "I kissed you and then you fell down. You threw up a little and the guy on the phone when I called for help had to tell me how to keep you from choking on it." I glance up and tears lay, threatening to spill over the rim of his eyelids, his cheeks already tear-stained and red. 

"I'm okay. Just dehydrated I'm sure. It happens. It's been hot and I've been feeling cold so I probably overheated when I wore sweaters and stuff which made me dehydrate. They will fix me," I lie as I reach for his hand. He looks into my eyes and my stomach turns. His face is one of disbelief and he just shakes his head slowly. 

"I know you're lying. I don't know why you'd lie but you are," he whispers as the tears run the length of his cheeks. "If you really did like me you wouldn't lie." He places my hand in between both of his and the warmth from them sends shivers up my arm. 

"I'm not lying," I lie again. His hands squeeze mine and he starts to cry audibly. He runs his finger up to the cuts and meets my gaze again. 

"Stop lying. I'm not blind. I see these and when you fell, your shirt came up. You're so thin. Like sickly, bony thin. You don't eat do you?" His question is so simple but it feels like I could die if I answer the truth. If he finds out, everyone will and I'll get sent away. "Don't lie to me again Lou Lou please," there's that nickname from the bar again, "I'll keep it a secret, I just want to take care of you."

"Harry," I choke out but he's already leaning in for another kiss. I frown when he pulls away but it changes to a smile when a giggle erupts from his lips. 

"You taste gross," he laughs and wipes his wet cheeks and mouth, "I'm not kissing you again until you brush your teeth." I smile and can't help but blush. 

"Again? There's going to be an again?" I ask and he quickly nods, "Even though I'm a liar?" I make air quotes around the word liar and his smile fades but he nods. 

"I like you. Just..." He pauses and runs his fingers over my arm, "if we date, don't okay?" He doesn't even have to specify but I understand. He is basically giving me an ultimatum already. To date him, I have to stop lying, stop cutting, and stop with the not eating. I stupidly nod in agreement and he lights up, leaning in to hug me. 

What have I gotten myself into?


	5. Chapter 5

*3 weeks later*

I'm tired, like seriously about to pass out tired. Harry has been keeping me very busy, forcing me to eat, and forcing me to do things all day. I've gained weight and it's making me even uglier. I spend at least an hour before bed, when Harry finally leaves, throwing up all I possibly can and staring at the fat beast in the mirror. Harry has been showing interest in sex but I just can't show him my body. It's so gross he will leave. 

"Hey Fruit Lou-p what're you thinking about?" Harry's little nicknames make me roll my eyes but he's too cute when he says them that I can't ask him to stop. 

"Nothing Harry, dear," I say like I'm his wife or some shit, "just very very tired," which wasn't exactly a lie. 

"We can nap in my room if you want. I'd love to cuddle you," RED ALERT! If you cuddle he will feel your fat. Say no say no! 

"Sure babe," dumbass, "that sounds great." He goes to pick me up in his arms but I'm up on my feet too quickly for him. He frowns but accepts my willingness to walk. We go to his room, his arm slid around my waist and I lean into him to keep his mind at ease which I can't say is the case for myself. He won't even let me cut. I used that for control but now I have nothing. He checked daily at first, luckily now it's been every few days. I hate that he has so much control but I like him, a lot, and I don't want him to leave. 

"Scatterbrain, are you there?" there's a soft knock on the top of my skull snapping me out of my thoughts. 

"Sorry babe, like I said, very tired." I yawn and stretch my arms to make a point and crawl in his bed. It's soft and when he slides in next to me it's warm from his body heat. I lay still until he pulls me in close and I reluctantly relax. I want to sleep but his reaction to my body is more important for right now. 

One hand rests softly on my hip and he traces the curves of my body with his other one. He hums happily and I close my eyes, waiting for some sign of disgust but I fall asleep before there is any. 

"LOUIS LOUIS WAKE UP!" I'm shaken awake by a horrified Harry. I can barely comprehend anything but he looks scared. "Are you okay?" He practically pants, "you screamed in your sleep and gasped. I thought you stopped breathing!" 

"Nightmare," I slur sleepily. Fuck. He heard me scream in my sleep. He's going to think I'm insane. He's gonna ask me to leave. 

"Oh okay. Oh thank god I was gonna call the ambulance if you weren't okay. You really scare me Lou Lou," he said scare. I scare my boyfriend. He probably thinks I'm gonna die on him. He deserves so much better. "Just try and sleep again. I'm sorry I woke you up. I'll sleep with you too now that it's later." What time was it? I have curfew. Not that I listen to it but still, usually Harry makes me follow it. 

"What time is it?" I ask, my voice still heavy with sleep. 

"Nearly eleven. I know you have curfew but I was hoping you'd stay. I love you beside me. It's amazing." He blushes and I snuggle into him as a reply. He quickly puts his arms back around my body and closes his eyes, his head nestled above mine. I fall asleep pretty quickly with the sound of Harry's heavy breathing and my crazy thoughts filling my head.

_________________________

Hey guys I know it's anticlimactic but I wanted to get through some things before the story gets intense-ish. Love you for reading and I apologize if it gets triggering.


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